If you’re not a hater yourself, I bet you’ve known one.
‘Hate’ is a very strong word and it can often make us feel uncomfortable when we read it or hear somebody use it. It’s an even stronger emotion. It’s harmful too! When your heart gets broken, it hurts like hell. That pain that you feel is pretty much unavoidable if you genuinely care about the person who caused it.
You have a choice what happens next though. Are you surprised? I’m guessing you don’t think you have a choice? That you have to sink without trace in the misery of it all? You’re wrong. I’m talking about the hatred that some broken hearted souls fall into. You feed it and keep it burning. I’ve known some people who have fed it for decades. Wow, what a damn waste!
Hating the person who hurt you, well, that’s understandable, to a point. It’s still a really nasty emotion though. Anger is much healthier. Try anger instead. Hating all women or all men or all couples in love, that’s a whole different issue! Do you see how you do that? Do you see how you’ve taken your anger and pain and directed it not at the person who broke you, but at all those of the same gender?
What are you hoping to achieve by choosing to feel this way? Are you hoping somehow the person who hurt you will be punished? Nope. That’s not going to happen. The only person who is suffering is you. And you must know how damaging this kind of emotion is to your health if you keep it going long-term. The other people who could be affected by you spewing vindictive nastiness, is your family and your friends. Anybody that has to listen to you talking in such a crappy way. Not only is it unpleasant to listen to, it’s boring! Of course, nobody will tell you to shut the hell up and get a life. They’ll probably just make excuses to spend less time with you.
So what’s the alternative? An important point I want to share with you is – by letting go of the hatred doesn’t mean that you’ve forgiven that person. So many people feel that leaving those crappy feelings behind is somehow making it all OK, like it doesn’t matter what he or she did. Forgiveness is important, for your own well-being. But it’s a conscious thing. Something you choose to do.
So, stop hating and instead…
Deal with the fallout from the breakdown in your relationship.
Accept that not all people are the same. That’s a ridiculous assumption!
Move on. With an open heart and maybe a lesson learned, but move on from the pain, the anger, the hatred.
I understand if you’re yelling, “It’s not that simple!” right now. But what is more simple? To deal with the crap that’s happened to you and dare to trust again, or to be stoking that fire of hatred for the rest of your life and ending up with one of those faces which is permanently set into a contorted, bitter expression? You choose.
If you need support, don’t hesitate to get in contact with me. I’m always here to help.
By Judith Flowerday
When you always believe the worst about yourself and put yourself down, that’s a great way to get, and stay stressed. When you’re stuck in this negative mindset, you’ll be comparing yourself negatively to other people, wanting to be the perfect partner but convincing yourself that you’re not. You won’t accept compliments either. Nobody enjoys being around a person who’s negative all the time, and when your partner is like this, the relationship is hard work!
You might not realise it, but your stress is wrecking your relationship.
And let’s be honest, negative people aren’t as attractive as positive ones. Work out why you think like you do, and stop it before you damage your relationship.
If you get stressed about stuff that ‘could’ happen to you, face your fears and ask yourself, “What if?” What if your partner cheats on you? What if your partner leaves you? Face those fears head on, and follow them through to the likely conclusion that no matter how bad things may turn out, you will cope/survive. So what’s the point stressing yourself out on worrying so much when it won’t change the outcome?
Trying to please others
Do you think people will like or love you more if you always run around after them? They’re more likely to have no respect for you and continue to take advantage of you. If you behave like a servant rather than a partner you’ll change the dynamic of your relationship and you’ll quite possibly become resentful, as well as stressed to the eyeballs. Maybe you spend so much time running around after other family members that you don’t invest enough time in your relationship with your partner? If you’ve got deeper issues that mean you are always looking for approval or you’re scared of rejection, get them sorted. Start pleasing yourself for a change.
If you are aggressive or passive aggressive (snidey comments, which you’ll deny you make) you’ll turn your relationship into a battleground, and you’ll feel stressed most of the time. Your partner will do too! If you have unresolved issues, deal with them. Anger is a normal, healthy emotion until it gets out of control – then it becomes destructive, affecting your relationships at home and at work.
When you are putting off doing things that you think will be difficult or time consuming, they still rent space in your head. If they really need doing, stop messing about and just do them! If your partner regularly asks you to do things in the house that you never get around to, you’ll both be getting stressed about it.
Being a perfectionist
This could be you if you find yourself spending way too long on something, or you make changes (usually ones that cost money!) but then you’re still not happy and change again. Consider if you are trying to achieve absolute perfection, or if you’re avoiding something by never sitting still. This kind of behaviour can be costly and stressful for you and exhausting for your partner. Deal with it.
These are just some of the ways you can let your stress infect your relationship. If you recognise any of the behaviour mentioned here, you will substantially reduce your stress levels when you get a grip and control your triggers. You’ll also have a better chance of enjoying a healthy, happy relationship. Need a little extra support? We offer confidential coaching via our sister company Dare To Fly. Take a look at the relationship services that may help you, or contact Norwich Elite Matchmaking’s dating and relationship coach here.
By Judith Flowerday