“I’m only jealous because I love you/her/him so much.” I’ve been amazed to hear people say this, and they actually believe it, too! Where do you think jealousy comes from in a relationship? A lack of trust? Not feeling valued or appreciated by your partner? You’ve been cheated on before so it’s natural to feel jealous? A way of showing how much you care?
Jealousy has its roots in a lack of self-worth or self-esteem, generally. Unless the cause of the problem is resolved, the sufferer (and it really does make you suffer!) will drag it along with them into every relationship.
The standard symptom of jealousy is a belief/fear that your partner is cheating, or cheating you out of the proper amount of attention and giving it to somebody else. It isn’t restricted to cheating with a potential love or sex interest. Some people become incredibly jealous of the attention that their partner gives to their child, instead of them. Even your partner’s job or boss may be seen as a potential threat. Are you like this, or do you know somebody who is?
There are normally two types of personality types associated with jealousy. Either you’ll become really needy and clingy, or intense and controlling. Whichever type of behaviour you’re exhibiting, you’re on the right path to completely destroy your relationship, in time.
You can do the craziest things when you’re jealous. I’ve known people to secretly follow and watch their partner to find out what they’re really doing. Some have checked through phones, pockets and yes, even underwear, all in the search for evidence of suspected infidelity. Aggression and violence do happen, sadly. The partner who is subjected to this often irrational behaviour is very rarely flattered, and even less likely to feel loved. Usually it’s upsetting to know that you’re not trusted, and sometimes it’s pretty scary. Often if you’ve got a jealous partner, you’ll go to great lengths to prove your fidelity and your love. Then when that doesn’t work, your feelings become damaged. Some people cheat because they’re suspected of it anyway!
Whether you are the jealous one or the partner who has to deal with this horrible emotion, honest communication is often the start of resolving the problem. It’s not an easy one to let go of, but it’s possible. If your partner is actually cheating on you, that’s a whole other issue. But if the jealousy in your relationship is unfounded, get some support and deal with it. If you don’t, it will destroy your relationship. That would be a really sad waste.
By Judith Flowerday.
Judith offers coaching here at Norwich Elite Matchmaking, and at Dare To Fly. If you think you would benefit from a free consultation to see if she can assist you with improving your relationship, get in touch. Contact her via either website, or on 07769256740.
When you always believe the worst about yourself and put yourself down, that’s a great way to get, and stay stressed. When you’re stuck in this negative mindset, you’ll be comparing yourself negatively to other people, wanting to be the perfect partner but convincing yourself that you’re not. You won’t accept compliments either. Nobody enjoys being around a person who’s negative all the time, and when your partner is like this, the relationship is hard work!
You might not realise it, but your stress is wrecking your relationship.
And let’s be honest, negative people aren’t as attractive as positive ones. Work out why you think like you do, and stop it before you damage your relationship.
If you get stressed about stuff that ‘could’ happen to you, face your fears and ask yourself, “What if?” What if your partner cheats on you? What if your partner leaves you? Face those fears head on, and follow them through to the likely conclusion that no matter how bad things may turn out, you will cope/survive. So what’s the point stressing yourself out on worrying so much when it won’t change the outcome?
Trying to please others
Do you think people will like or love you more if you always run around after them? They’re more likely to have no respect for you and continue to take advantage of you. If you behave like a servant rather than a partner you’ll change the dynamic of your relationship and you’ll quite possibly become resentful, as well as stressed to the eyeballs. Maybe you spend so much time running around after other family members that you don’t invest enough time in your relationship with your partner? If you’ve got deeper issues that mean you are always looking for approval or you’re scared of rejection, get them sorted. Start pleasing yourself for a change.
If you are aggressive or passive aggressive (snidey comments, which you’ll deny you make) you’ll turn your relationship into a battleground, and you’ll feel stressed most of the time. Your partner will do too! If you have unresolved issues, deal with them. Anger is a normal, healthy emotion until it gets out of control – then it becomes destructive, affecting your relationships at home and at work.
When you are putting off doing things that you think will be difficult or time consuming, they still rent space in your head. If they really need doing, stop messing about and just do them! If your partner regularly asks you to do things in the house that you never get around to, you’ll both be getting stressed about it.
Being a perfectionist
This could be you if you find yourself spending way too long on something, or you make changes (usually ones that cost money!) but then you’re still not happy and change again. Consider if you are trying to achieve absolute perfection, or if you’re avoiding something by never sitting still. This kind of behaviour can be costly and stressful for you and exhausting for your partner. Deal with it.
These are just some of the ways you can let your stress infect your relationship. If you recognise any of the behaviour mentioned here, you will substantially reduce your stress levels when you get a grip and control your triggers. You’ll also have a better chance of enjoying a healthy, happy relationship. Need a little extra support? We offer confidential coaching via our sister company Dare To Fly. Take a look at the relationship services that may help you, or contact Norwich Elite Matchmaking’s dating and relationship coach here.
By Judith Flowerday